“Honey, talk English, please.” “Mommy, why are you talking amusing?” “Bitch…are you speaking Portuguese?” These are just some of the outcries from the people of ladies around 45 who have fallen. These ladies are victims of the simulation glitch—the Portuglitch—that’s trapping them in a point out of miscommunication. Lonelier than ever, females above 45 throughout the world are stranded in their new truth: Portuguese. 

At 12:46 a.m. Sunday, June 20th, a swap flipped, and practically nothing has manufactured any fucking perception considering that. James Jameson, a bartender in Brooklyn, describes his practical experience of making an attempt to strike on a female in excess of 45 during the Portuglitch, “I was talking up this milf at the bar, naamsayin’, and we were just like straight vibin’, naamsayin.’ She seemed chill n shit when she just begun spewing Chinese or some wiggly Spanish or somn’. I just assumed I was significant as fuck.” 

Females above 45 around the world closed their eyes on Saturday night time, oblivious to the fragility of their existence, and awoke Sunday morning fluent in Portuguese. 

Frank Shephard, the husband to Anita Shephard, tells UTB: “As I herded my wife to bed late Saturday night time like the small sheep she is, I heard her utter one thing bizarre. I imagined her sleeping products ended up operating a very little way too perfectly, but I couldn’t have an understanding of a phrase she was saying when she woke up the pursuing day. At initially, I imagined she was having a stroke then I assumed roleplay?” On turning on the information and observing subtitles translating the news anchor’s Portuguese, Frank speedily comprehended the condition at hand. He basked in not speaking with his wife for a several moments as he let the gravity of her mid-life crisis sink in. 

When amusing at initial, the Portuglitch has profound political, social, and economic implications. In a statement to the US folks, Kamala Harris explained: “Não temos nada a temer. Estou confiante de que o povo americano se adaptará e aceitará esse novo modo de vida. Pelo menos não estamos falando com sotaque de Nova Jersey, estou certo?” 

As if this message was not perplexing adequate, the media was shocked when stars such as Halle Berry, Gwen Stefani, Betty White, Jennifer Lopez, and Sofia Vergara had been affected by the glitch just after yrs of hiding their age. Gwen Stefani experimented with to assure her lovers she was an exception to the rule… but it was however lost in translation, and she has no enthusiasts. Shakira, only 44, speaks on her youth: “I experience for all my 45-yr-outdated Mami’s out there, but my hips won’t lie… I’m sensation seriously great about staying 44 proper now. Damn, that would have sucked!”

Scientists, theologists, and philosophers alike are fascinated by this unprecedented incident. Conspiracy theories are clogging the online, these as these girls are hexed, being punished for deficiency of modesty, Bill Gates unintentionally switched our placing to Portuguese on his earth-controlling application, and that we are getting a social and cultural rebirth. The principle that this is a facet outcome of the COVID vaccine is exponentially attaining popularity. 

Authorities don’t know what to count on future and urge us to hug our households a little tighter, for there may possibly be far more glitches in the foreseeable future.

Stay tuned in the coming months to discover out the remedy to the world’s most urgent question: Is this change for Portugood? Or, as Stacy from down the block would say, “é esta mudança para Portugood?”

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