This is a rush transcript from “Gutfeld!,” August 24, 2021. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

GREG GUTFELD, FOX NEWS HOST: Happy Tuesday, everyone. Took me three days to write that line. So, when things get really bad, what’s the first thing the guilty party does? They argue over words. Remember this classic blast from the past?

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

BILL CLINTON, FORMER PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES: It depends upon what the meaning of the word is.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: As it turned out is meant your wife is going to lose to Trump in 20 years. He didn’t see that one coming. There’s a joke in there. And you know, you’re in deep when you’re litigating the definition of the word stranded.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

PETER DOOCY, FOX NEWS WHITE HOUSE CORRESPONDENT: Most of the criticism is not of leaving Afghanistan, it’s the way that he has ordered it to happen by pulling the troops before getting these Americans who are now stranded. Does he have a sense of that?

JEN PSAKI, WHITE HOUSE PRESS SECRETARY: First of all, I think it’s irresponsible to say Americans are stranded. They are not. We are committed to bringing Americans who want to come home home.

DOOCY: There are no American stranded based that White House’s official position on what’s happening in Afghanistan.

PSAKI: I’m just calling you out for saying that we are stranding Americans in Afghanistan.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Calling you out. Got it. So, it’s just like, Tom Hanks wasn’t really stranded on that desert island. Not deserted island, Emily, desert island. He was just vacationing with a ball that he talked to. It’s creepy and deviant. And I’m glad I didn’t know this when Gilligan’s Island was on TV when ruined the whole plots. Because you know they were stranded.

I thought Peter Doocy left her stranded with that question, but somehow, she found her way out. She’s Baghdad Bob with a bob. Talking about splitting hairs with a Taliban’s machete. I wonder if there are other words we aren’t using to her satisfaction.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Jen, you just cut in front of me?

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: No, I resent you. I’m saying that. I simply rescheduled your time for the copier.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: I know, I hate her too. This coffee is too hot.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: First of all, I think it’s irresponsible for you to say that. The coffee is room temperature. You’re just in the wrong room.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Hold that. Jen, the elevator chopped my arm off.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: I’m just calling you out for saying that because that’s actually called a sudden weight loss, so congratulations.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: I really didn’t see that escalating to that point. But it seems like America is stranded in more ways than one. Our military leaders have allegedly told President Biden that he’ll need to make a decision on whether to extend the deadline to withdraw forces from Afghanistan, because that’s the correct order for an evacuation.

First, you give up control of the airport, then try to fly everyone home. That’s as smart as putting on a helmet after you were shot out of a cannon, which is what I think happened to Joe at some point in his life. But it shows you the intellectual constipation that paralyzes our so-called leaders. They extended wars indefinitely lost lives and billions and billions of dollars, but at least the paperwork is in order.

Meanwhile, the Taliban says they’ve drawn a red line on deadlines. And you know, they mean it. It’s not an Obama red line in Syria, which he enforced as well as the COVID rules at his birthday party. So glad I skip that.

But the Taliban issuing orders to us, it’s like pouring salt on the wound. It’s like after being fired and security telling you, you know, no, you can’t take your unicorn coffee mug with you that belongs to the company. But here, the Taliban got everything, including the coffee mug. Did you see all the weaponry, guys? This doesn’t make them celebrate Christmas. Nothing will. It’s practically impossible to get a long rifle in New York City to shoot rats. We just handed over thousands of rifles and shotguns and howitzers to a group of radical Muslim fighters. They’re now in equal footing with a middle school in Chicago.

We paid for all of that, and some of that would likely be used against us later. So as we watch this calamity continue to unfold, we should probably stop listening to our leaders and start listening to our troops more like this fellow here.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

JON JACKSON, AFGHANISTAN VETERAN: The more stupid and naive Americans are isn’t a testament to what our warfighters are doing overseas. The more we take that fight to the enemy, the more stupid and naive we are as Americans, because the moment that we are woke nation, that means somebody has gotten through the wire, done what they need to do, and wake this nation up, but it’s the American warfighter who is out there, keeping our country safe and keeping America stupid.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: That’s a good point. I’ve said it before. The reason why so many of us me, especially, when thinking about Afghanistan much, it’s because I didn’t have to. The work was being done by those brave fighters. So, I never really had to consider the threat coming here for a long time. To use an adage, we all enjoy the sausage, we just don’t want to see how it’s made. But now this catastrophic end shows us the sausage in reverse. And it sucks. I take some responsibility. I’m one of millions who got distracted by the life of nonstop attention-grabbing entertainment. As I lose myself in the bachelor and peloton there unfolded a mess based on decades of incompetent leadership and corruption.

Meanwhile, our media fussed over pronouns and toxic masculinity. And now the most toxic males on the planet are locked and loaded on our dime. If only our military leaders were as woke about countries like Afghanistan, as they are about us. Remember this moment?

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

MARK MILLEY, UNITED STATES CHAIRMAN OF THE JOINT CHIEFS OF STAFF: I want to understand white rage, and I’m white, and I want to understand it.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Good for you. Next time, maybe prioritize. I put winning wars and protecting Americans in front of understanding white rage.

And where’s Kamala in all this?

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

KAMALA HARRIS, VICE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES: The caution that if you want to have Christmas toys for your children, it might now be might be the time to start buying them because the delay may be many, many months.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: What the hell is she doing? But I guess talking about Christmas makes sense after what we just gave the Taliban. So never mind thousands of American lives that are at risk. Your kids are not going to have that new Gameboy probably made in China. We don’t cut carbon emissions in this country by another 25 percent to think our media once thought Sarah Palin was a lightweight. Kamala makes Palin look like a cross between Margaret Thatcher and another Margaret Thatcher.

Look, I know our leaders are often idiots, but we can’t be this stupid anymore and send our kids to foreign lands for decades, only for it to culminate in this. The least that our inept leaders can do is not armed the enemy. That’s like our cops buying anti-fog blow torches hammers and getaway cars. But you got to wonder why Kamala would bring up Christmas in August. Maybe she knows that in December. She’ll be too busy being president.

This former criminal defense attorney worked on more felony briefs than the prison laundry “Outnumbered” co-host, Emily Compagno. He’s like a gay bicycle, outspoken, the worst intro ever, Outspoken editor-in-chief inspector, Chadwick Moore. Her marriage vows included do not resuscitate, Fox News contributor, Kat Timpf. And he has more muscles than a seafood buffet, my massive psychic NWA world television champion, Tyrus.

Good to see you, Emily.

EMILY COMPAGNO, FOX NEWS CHANNEL CONTRIBUTOR: Hey.

GUTFELD: Hey. Hey back. No, this is a serious show. This isn’t like Outnumbered where you can just show up and, you know, hang out. So, what do you make of that? Did you — did you catch Biden today making his speecharoo (PH)?

COMPAGNO: Yes.

GUTFELD: Was it — well, how did you feel about it? I don’t want to put words in your mouth, but it was terrible, wasn’t it?

COMPAGNO: Terrible. And the worst thing I felt was not surprised. I didn’t feel surprised that he buried comments about Afghanistan after a bunch of domestic policy comments and tax the corporations and all of his virtue signaling to begin with.

GUTFELD: Right.

COMPAGNO: Americans care about Afghanistan. We care about it now. It’s appalling to me the lack of perspective he has, his tone deafness. And going back to Jen Psaki’s comments to Peter Doocy about, you know, calling it irresponsible to call it stranded. What is irresponsible is abandoning Americans there, abandoning our allies on the global stage and on the ground there.

Rep. Waltz point it out that no surrounding, no single surrounding country right now will let Americans have a presence, let alone conduct operations there. And the U.K. was blindsided, it was a NATO mission. So, if we think that we have any allies that will back us up, that’s all faded as well.

Rep. Banks pointed out that now the Taliban has more Blackhawks than 85 percent of the planet, right, in addition to $85 billion worth of equipment, and that means Al-Qaeda is about to have it, that means ISIS chaos is about to have it, along with the countless deaths that will be on walkaway Joe’s watch. And remember, this is against the backdrop of the Taliban saying, if we stay there after August 31st to evacuate Americans and other allies, that’s an extended occupation. That’s how they view our presence there.

So, if Biden thinks that there’s peace in our future, he’s more delusional than we thought.

KAT TIMPF, FOX NEWS CHANNEL CONTRIBUTOR: Yes, and that speech I feel like he said meaner stuff about corporations that did about the Taliban.

COMPAGNO: Yes, he did.

GUTFELD: Let’s not forget the number one terror threat is not Taliban or ISIS.

TIMPF: White guys like you.

GUTFELD: White guys like me. Sometimes I get a little ornery. If I don’t have enough fiber in the morning, I’m an awful beast cat. Well, now that we’re already talking, let’s just keep going.

TIMPF: Sure. Sure. That’s how I’ve worked here so long.

GUTFELD: What do you — what do you make of this obsession? Like that when you talk about missed priorities, language itself, that like it’s — you can’t use the word stranded.

TIMPF: Well, yes, that’s really stranded. OK? And I know that because I have used the word stranded in far less dire situation.

GUTFELD: How many states have you been stranded on?

TIMPF: I’d have to count, but I’m like — if I — you know, the Ubers keep canceling and I can’t find a cab, that stranded.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: That’s stranded. Even if I’m walking distance from home, what if it rains, stranded, right? And it’s not like I’m a drama queen or anything.

GUTFELD: No, not at all.

TIMPF: So, she’s really off.

GUTFELD: Yes, she’s really, really off.

TIMPF: Not me.

GUTFELD: Not you. No, you’re perfectly fine.

TIMPF: Well-adjusted.

GUTFELD: Chad — go ahead.

CHADWICK MOORE, EDITOR-IN-CHIEF, OUTSPOKEN: She feels she could completely use the word stranded, because if you’re isolated, but there’s still a chance you could get out, then you’re not exactly stranded by whatever definition that they want to use.

And was it just say you said that we’ve moved out tens of thousands of people in last couple days? What does that tell you? First of all, what people any Americans, any Afghanis who are removing. Secondly, if you’re moving that many people out in two days, that shows that you had absolutely no plan for this August 31st date. I mean, it’s horrifying. Absolutely horrifying.

GUTFELD: Yes. I mean, you try to think, could it be worse? And perhaps, it could be worse, but it’s still happening? And I’m hoping that this is like we get through this in — with as minimal pain and suffering as — what are you looking at Tucker — Tyler?

TYRUS, FOX NEWS CHANNEL CONTRIBUTOR: You know — you know what’s fun about this stuff? You know what’s fun? I’m neither one — I think to stare at him and make him uncomfortable.

GUTFELD: Yes, it works — it works. And I’m a terrorist.

TYRUS: You know, when you think about scapegoat Joe. And I hate to say that because I worked really hard to be respectful of our president. But what we’re seeing is, yes, there’s this big uptick and we’re getting people out and we got 20 — you know why? You know why? It wasn’t the suits who have no idea what’s going on, it’s that we have the greatest military in the universe. And they got together and they started getting people out, right, and they’re not going to do it — they’re not going to do it by the numbers, they’re going to start — because that’s what — that’s what our men and women do.

But also, now, thanks to this policy, we just invented thousands of hostages. The Afghans are no longer allowed to go to the airport, do you want to know why? Because they need those intellectuals and those educated and those scientists, those doctors to operate those machines. They see those tomahawks, they see those guided missiles, and they go, we don’t know how to do this, but they do.

So now, we’re seeing a whole new group of hostages. Afghans will no longer be allowed to go the airport because they need their families to hold hostage to make them — operate their machines and teach them how to run the machine. So, job well done.

So sooner than later, our men and women are going to be seeing our own missiles and our own boats coming our way. Because guys are going to help them, because they’re going to try to save their families. And it’s — and I’m not — I’m not a general, but I’m just looking at it. And I didn’t take much to add up.

GUTFELD: This is the one thing — I know we got to move on. And — but it’s the one thing that almost everybody knows what to do. But the government, and I’m wondering — I mean, that if you just look at them with your — if you steal man, their argument, you must assume that they thought all of this through, but they didn’t. I mean, how was that possible? How do we know more than General Milley? You know, was he too busy reading anti- racist tracks? I would figure out what the hell was going on.

TYRUS: I don’t think it’s on the generals. I think they’re not being heard and not being listened and they’re getting directives from people who have no idea. We have a woke administration. So, they think if you offer the Taliban free Tik-Tok platforms, they’re going to say, oh, yes, that’s really what they’re thinking at.

GUTFELD: All right. Up next, was two weeks the end of the slippery slope? Australia’s lockdown, they say no.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Please make this end.

GUTFELD: You can’t go a sunder in the land down under. Yes, in Australia, even Crocodile Dundee is a prisoner in his own country. Australia, the birthplace of crime, Emily. More than half of the country’s 25 million people are in lockdown, and therefore, unable to wrestle alligators. Because I already said crocodiles. I don’t even think they have alligators in Australia.

MOORE: No, they don’t.

GUTFELD: I apologize. The Sydney lockdown is in its ninth week, which would normally prove that lockdowns don’t work, but army personnel has been deployed in fines for breaking certain rules or up to nearly four grand which is more than America pays people not to work. And there’s at least one COVID patient on the run. This is amazing.

Check out this report from Sydney’s 9News.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Anthony Karam knows he’s COVID positive when he steps into this public lift. Already breaking so many rules. He doesn’t bother to cover his mouth as he sneezes and splutters. The 27-year-old is still infectious, but has gone missing from his Wentworth Point apartment. A warrant now issued for his arrest.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: This 27-year-old chap, who apparently has expressed the view that he doesn’t care less whether he spreads the virus is one example of the worst of the worst.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: It’s like Australia’s most snotty. So that dude is the worst of the worst. Should he stay home? Of course, but after nine weeks of lockdown, people are going to be fed up. Not everyone has a sweet basement like Chris Cuomo. Here’s more from that same report.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: There’s little sympathy for anyone ignoring the health orders. Even this group of teenagers caught partying after dark at the bottom of the North Bondi cliffs, the eight boys were placed in handcuffs and left to explain $1,000 fine to mom.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: That’s amazing. Scary stuff. And we really don’t have any idea when this is going to end. Then again, if you ask Dr. Flip Flop, maybe it’s not as far off as we thought.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN HOST: You said if the majority of Americans get vaccinated, quote, we could start to really get some good control over this as we get back into the fall of 2022, a year from now. Is that the best- case scenario? And what does control look like?

ANTHONY FAUCI, CHIEF MEDICAL ADVISER TO PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN: No, no, no. Anderson, I have to apologize when I listened to the tape, I meant to say the spring of 2022. I didn’t mean the fall, I misspoke.

COOPER: OK.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: For now, anyway. So, who knows when it will all end? Certainly not the guy who’s supposed to tell us when it will end. He’s been wrong so much. You think he planned Afghanistan? His opinions aids like a bag salad. I still think that’s a good line. I don’t care what you people think.

I guess all we could do is hope for the best. Thank God the best and the brightest are on the case.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: So, you’re visiting from Australia?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Yes, that’s right. I’m here on vacation with my wife and we had some belongings stolen.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Your wife.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: So, you weren’t social distancing?

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Well, no. We’re both vaccinated.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: How many times?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Guys? No. I’m here to report a crime.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Yes, a crime. I’ll tell you what’s a crime. Your country. That’s why you’re locked down. We watch CNN. We know all you Australians have COVID. You know Liam Hemsworth? He’s a big fan.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: No, we don’t all know each other in Australia.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Keep talking like that, you’re going to end up living in a penal colony.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Tyrus?

TYRUS: Joe Machi. Damn, man. I could just sit and watch him. I could stick him in an aquarium and just watch him. I possibly could do.

GUTFELD: He might let you. You can feed him mice.

TYRUS: But he wouldn’t ask to get out.

TIMPF: No, he keeps apologizing.

TYRUS: Yes. He’s going to talk about, I’m sorry. I don’t know. I love — I love phenomena. What was your question?

GUTFELD: My question is — OK. So, when you’re listening to that local news report, they are acting like this person is an escaped maniac from a — from an asylum. It’s crazy. You know, when you watch news from different cultures —

GUTFELD: Yes, that’s true.

TYRUS: Because they come off extremely smug. You know what saying? Like, mom just got $1,000 fine. Look at him. He didn’t even cover his nose. The guys having problems. He’s still trying to fix his hair.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: Did you not say that? He was literally — his entire hair is bald spot and he’s trying to fix one side. That’s going to clean. The guy has promised and he’s missing. Ballpark guests saw the news report and went and found a saltwater crock. I mean, he’s literally — he’s the worst human being in the world. Pedophile, murderers, et cetera. Like, yes, look at that guy. He needs to go. Only in Australia.

TIMPF: He was wearing a bathrobe outside of the house.

GUTFELD: Who hasn’t?

TIMPF: I was — my husband says I can’t do that.

GUTFELD: So, you know what? Give it time and a few months you’ll be — just you’ll be walking to the store with one — with one slipper.

TIMPF: Oh, I’ve done that.

MOORE: Hair rollers.

GUTFELD: Yes, hair rollers.

MOORE: I would use the later year.

GUTFELD: Yes. The next box is on your feet. So, Kat, if this — could we — OK. If 10 years from now we’re going to look back at that, will we look at that as something hilariously delusional, like, some kind of hysterical moment that we found ourselves in? Or is this like the way it’s going to be?

TIMPF: I don’t feel like there’s enough universal pushback towards that. I mean, it was absurd, like, the teens were outside.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: They were outside. And, you know, I’d love to go to Australia and party with teens. And now I can’t. And I get concerned because I could — I wouldn’t be surprised to see that kind of stuff happened here. I mean — for us, it was just public shame. It wasn’t actual, you know, like fines, if you’re at your house, but like the shaming of, you know, someone takes, oh, look, their mask was under their nose there. People love that. They love to shame on those people.

GUTFELD: Yes, it feels so good.

TIMPF: But that doesn’t make you a better person, because you’re sitting at home by yourself.

GUTFELD: Yes. I mean, Chadwick, that footage, it’s — when I see that, I’m just in disbelief that we are at a place where they’re actually doing a news — a news segment on some guy who is out without a mask on.

MOORE: It’s like a black mirror. But it’s already here.

GUTFELD: Twilight zone.

MOORE: Yes, that — and that’s coming here. I mean, we already have CNN door stopping old women because they shared like a fake news article on the beam on Facebook or there. It’s coming here. It’s disgusting. But we know where he wasn’t headed, he wasn’t headed to a BLM rally.

GUTFELD: No.

MOORE: He wasn’t headed to a Pelosi fundraiser.

GUTFELD: Right.

MOORE: You know where —

GUTFELD: He’s going to go to Obama’s birthday.

MOORE: He was going to go to Obama’s birthday. We can reserve all that.

GUTFELD: But it’s just, I don’t know, Emily. And they’re having these major demonstrations. They’re having violence and arrests in Australia. Because Australia — I always thought Australia was like, that’s a rough country. I was there once. All they do is drink fosters and they play tag with the kangaroos.

COMPAGNO: I used to think the same that Australia was like totally badass. And now I feel like Australia’s insane, our whole country should be like, hold my beer. If they say the most concerning guy is it that guy? What about the guy we talked about last week or whatever that beheaded his wife at a traffic stop?

GUTFELD: Right?

COMPAGNO: But these guys —

GUTFELD: But he was wearing a mask?

COMPAGNO: Yes, they tested negative.

TIMPF: There you go.

COMPAGNO: It’s OK. Literally, that group arrest of all of those teams that looked like Waco and all they were doing were like sitting outside drinking. My favorite — my favorite part was the one cop who was putting the handcuffs on the team and had his mask below his nose. Like that summed up the entire thing. These guys shot a bunch of rescue dogs in a city that had seven COVID cases, because of shelter employees that were there were one COVID case in their town, like, I don’t understand where to your point that the universal outcry is. Because this island, the size of a planet is doing some horrible things. And I don’t know what the ramifications are going to be in the long term.

GUTFELD: I mean, there’s some dark stuff going on that we like — I mean, like pediatric patients not being flown to other areas because of a crackdown and they lose their lives, babies. I mean, this is like stuff that like I don’t even want to put in the show because it’s like, it’s so depressing, but they’re — the risk — the risk benefit logic is thrown out the window. It’s scary. It’s sad.

All right, up next, Democrats are annoyed, Biden could leave them unemployed.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GREG GUTFELD, FOX NEWS CHANNEL HOST: If Biden’s ratings appear so dour, Dems fear they may lose their power. Yes, Democrats are apprehensive that Biden’s damage will be extensive.

The New York Times interviewed more than 40 Democrats lawmakers strategists otherwise known as stupid jerk faces. I’m an objective journalist. And he found that quote many of the President’s allies fear he will lose the confidence of the moderate swing voters, perverts.

The Afghanistan mess and COVID may have Biden sliding down more polls than a greased up stripper. Shout out to Hunter. Democrats with dampened election prospects are acting like that horse in The Godfather, they need ahead.

And anonymous democratic politician admitted that someone Biden to can National Security Adviser Jake Sullivan to change the narrative, because that’s all they care about, the narrative, the politics, it’s never really about people. So, why not fire someone instead of trying to solve the problems that your party created?

That’s just too much work. You know, a wise woman once said, politics is the art of preventing people from taking part in affairs which properly concern them, and those who don’t, should be murdered. Do you know who that wise woman was?

EMILY COMPAGNO, FOX NEWS CHANNEL CONTRIBUTOR: Thirsty? It wasn’t me. Whatever.

GUTFELD: Thought I’d throw the camera on you. Handled it very well. It’s, it seems to me, Emily, that Democrats only do things if it affects them politically, as opposed to affecting people’s lives. So, it’s about like, well, this, like even, even the vaccines, they were like, we don’t take the vaccines because that’ll help Trump and then Trump’s going to take the vaccines.

COMPAGNO: And I think with all of this is illustrating, it’s not just about optics, it’s about perceived optics, which is even worse, because here, they’re totally in the wrong. So, of course, Democrats should be worried and concerned. Where is their outrage? Where is any type of emphatic statements on par with say, their rage at law enforcement right, six months ago or a year ago, or parents who dare to weigh in on their children’s education or even metal detectors in Congress, all of which all of those party leaders were so loud and so outraged about. And Kamala, especially, I know we touched on her in the first block, but her silence right now hurt her Christmas comments when everything in her career has been built on lifting up other women she says and saying the status of women is the status of democracy; just in June telling a gender equality summit that that is the new tone of the world and we will fight alongside of all of you women who don’t have your freedoms. Where is she in Afghanistan?

GUTFELD: Right.

COMPAGNO: Where is she doing anything other than what she thinks her voters want? Which is talking about —

GUTFELD: Yes, where’s the camp — where is Kamala from the debate that called Joe Biden a racist?

COMPAGNO: Exactly.

GUTFELD: You see would be doing that now. Like, why aren’t you helping all of these brown women? She would be saying as a woman of color, but now she’s not doing that. By the way. I love the phrase perceived optics, because there’s no other way — I mean, I mean, they’re, they are perceived because they’re optics.

COMPAGNO: I don’t know.

GUTFELD: Emily, I will subtract five points for your total score.

COMPAGNO: A for effort.

GUTFELD: B-minus. Kat, isn’t it a perfect time for a lot of Democrats to lose their jobs anyway?

KAT TIMPF, FOX NEWS CHANNEL CONTRIBUTOR: Yes.

GUTFELD: Well, you’re mailing it in today.

TIMPF: I really — yes, I was going to say more stuff.

GUTFELD: OK. Go for it.

TIMPF: Yes. Um, I think about all the people who were celebrating in the street, as soon as the election was called, for Biden, so excited, without knowing how it was going to go.

GUTFELD: Right.

TIMPF: It’s not going great. I got to keep reminding myself a few days before my wedding, like I was very excited to get married. But I also remember all those documentaries, I saw where the wives and murderers are like, after we got married things change.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: So far, so good.

GUTFELD: Yes. Yes. But yes. Have the authorities found him yet?

TIMPF: No, no, no, he’s —

GUTFELD: No, he went hiking again?

TIMPF: He won’t let me go not one closet. There’s just a present in there.

GUTFELD: There is the presence. Tyrus, thoughts?

TYRUS, FOX NEWS CHANNEL CONTRIBUTOR: Yes, a lot. Here’s the thing. What’s hilarious to me, is, I’m just going to I’ll just be the guy — I’ll be the adult. I’m going to tell you guys Democrats. It’s not Joe Biden. It’s you. You did this. You defended the police. You take away people’s jobs for something they did when they were 13.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: You hand out free money instead of solutions. You take away jobs, you do all these things. And the only way you even got in the White House, because you needed Joe Biden, you didn’t want an old white man. He was done. He, he didn’t want any of the Obama administration. But that was the only thing that America looked for, like, hey, maybe this can help us through this tough time. And it’s once the deal was done, the progressives and I talked about this a million times, they wanted to take over and they want to do the thing. So, of course, they’re going to blame it all on, Joe.

GUTFELD: You’re right. They should be thanking him because he was the only one that was that was going to beat Trump. The other ones were not the —

TYRUS: They didn’t have a shot.

GUTFELD: They needed the nice guy.

TYRUS: Yes. And then they got the nice guy. And he said, here’s our plan. He’s like, no, you probably going to read it anyway. But he was really like, I’m not what — I’m not doing this. And so now, it’s all his fault.

GUTFELD: Chad, what do you care to make any predictions? It’s too soon, I imagined, for 2022.

CHADWICK MOORE, COLUMNIST, THE SPECTATOR: It might be too soon. Yes, well, I mean, they’re going to bring that COVID obviously.

GUTFELD: Right.

MOORE: Fauci was saying, you know, I think he leaked the confidential information that it’s, we’re going to say Sprague and then of course goes into the fall. He was to say that part out loud.

GUTFELD: That’s right.

MOORE: Now, we have the iconic image from this administration. And it’s Joe Biden’s hunched over wrinkly backside walking away twice now.

GUTFELD: Right.

MOORE: Like that is the image.

GUTFELD: Yes, yes. Yes.

MOORE: That’s the mission accomplished George W. Bush on the aircraft carrier.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MOORE: And we’ve got that now.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MOORE: So, it’s, it’s not good.

GUTFELD: Yes, he’s always walking away like he just peed on a tree. Looking around to see if anybody saw you back into my car down to Florida. I like to drive in Florida. I don’t know where I am. Coming up, a guy once married to Madonna inviting more vaccine drama.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: The unvaxxed should avoid the theater, says this Hollywood bottom feeder. Sean Penn, no relation to pig, has a message for people who might want to see this new movie “Flag Day” in theaters.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

SEAN PENN, ACTOR: I hope I’d ask that as, as much as I want people all to go to the theater. I really only want people who are vaccinated and safe to themselves and each other to go and, and it will stream but most of the people who aren’t vaccinated probably aren’t interested in my movies anyway.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Yes. Translation. He knows his movie is bombing at the box office. So, he says he knows they want people to go. It’s genius. Really? Hey, Sean, sorry, your movie didn’t recoup its budget. Yes, well, what are you going to do? COVID? Am I right? There’s any place with social distancing. It’s at a screening of this movie. This is once again I meant to do that excuse that Peewee Herman would pull off when he fell off a bike. I guess, I shouldn’t say pull off. But it’s like my Uncle Tobias used to say he that is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else. Which is why I always pled guilty to every charge of homicide. Killed a lot of people but he had principles. We go live to his lawyer. Tyrus, did Sean Penn grow up to be Mr. Hand?

TYRUS: Yes, I he’s, well, he’s something. You know, I used to admire him. I liked his brashness. I liked his, his range and he could play so many characters and he was all this thing and I remember he was like, on his on the verge of being an American hero. He was down at Katrina and I knew trying to help people out and then something happened.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: And now, he’s this bitter angry guy who is virtue signaling everyone and says, Don’t come to my movie if you’re not vaccinated. Yes. You know, well, I’m not watching movie unless it’s good. Yes. You know? Like, it’s just, that’s where he’s at. And he has to say those things for us to talk about it. Because if he doesn’t say that, we’re not talking about it, and until one night about 4:00 in the morning, I get a text going. Hey, can’t sleep. You should check out this Sean Penn, it’s so bad. Lol. And I’m like, thanks, Greg.

GUTFELD: It’s so true. It’s like the vaccine against Sean Penn movies is quality. There’s a movie where he plays like the kind of plays a good character based on the lead singer the cure. Did anybody see this movie?

COMPAGNO: Mystic? Mystic? Not pizza, but river?

GUTFELD: No.

TYRUS: Oh, that’s when he killed — you know what.

GUTFELD: You know what, this is a mistake. Don’t ever talk about movies with Emily on the show. Are you talking about Fantasia? No, Emily. What are your thoughts on Sean Penn? He’s an actor.

COMPAGNO: Yes. That, that? Well, I mean, Robin, right and Madonna.

GUTFELD: Yes. Those are the two best things about it. But I’ll say this, that the most problematic thing to me was actually his second sentence where he said, you know, people who aren’t vaccinated probably don’t want to see my movies anyway. That type of broad brush thinking the assumption that people’s positions they hold on the vaccines or their questions they have about it, that it’s automatically political, that it’s a certain politics that he ascribes to it, that it can’t be connected to anything else. That’s the problem. That’s why these Hollywood elite are so disgusting, because it’s that smugness that comes out where they Oh, I know exactly why you’re not vaccinated. You have no idea, man.

GUTFELD: Yes, that is so true. And to her point, Chadwick, it’s as though he desires that phantom group.

MOORE: Right.

GUTFELD: That’s totally, it was totally unnecessary.

MOORE: Yes.

GUTFELD: But he needs to have that group that he can go those people don’t want to see my –who are those people?

MOORE: Yes, that’s a really great point, actually. Yes, just saying like, my contents, not for this portion of the population. Who are those people? You know, those Trump people? Actually, I mean, we have about 78 percent of the black community. I mean, you’re talking about like here in New York, but the whole vast back passport thing. It’s like, Oh, well actually, you’re excluding a huge portion of minorities. But you don’t say that part out loud. You just assume everyone knows who you’re talking about when you talk about those facts?

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: Children.

MOORE: Yes, children, exactly.

GUTFELD: It is interesting though, Kat, because in a weird way, he said — he’s advocating vaccines as almost like a peer pressure move.

TIMPF: Right.

GUTFELD: Wasn’t he the rebel and now he’s now he’s it but he believes that it’s peer pressure that he’s on the side of, regardless of the efficacy of vaccines, which they are efficacious, but he’s just like operating on this you kind of like bull —

TIMPF: Right. The worst part is I think he walked out of there thinking he said some real badass.

GUTFELD: Yes, exactly.

TIMPF: Yes, you don’t get the vaccine, well don’t go to the theater to see my movie. I didn’t get the vaccine and I don’t go I don’t want to go to see his movie or any movie. Yes. Too much quiet time.

GUTFELD: Who goes to movies now they’re too hard to sit through. Yes, even cinema at home and it’s hard, you know?

TIMPF: Too much quiet time. Theatre is my nightmare.

GUTFELD: You poor thing.

TIMPF: Thank you. I am a victim.

GUTFELD: Thank you for your service.

TIMPF: Freedom is not free.

GUTFELD: Up next to hot dogs cut your life in half by an hour. And is it dangerous to pee in the shower? That rhymed.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: Now, we begin our brand new segment on the procurement process as part of the government’s General Service Administration. It’s time for this.

ANNOUNCER: “TWO STUPID STORIES.”

GUTFELD: First, will eating Oscar Meyer make you an early dyer? New study claims that eating one hot dog takes 30 minutes off your life. So, if that math holds up, Brian Stelter died 15 years ago. Researchers ranked a bunch of foods by their health benefits or lack thereof in processed meats were among the worst or so should I say the worst. Meanwhile, a doctor on TikTok, where I find all my doctors, says you shouldn’t be you should not pee in the shower because it creates a link in the brain with the sound of running water and having to go and then that could lead to incontinence issues when you actually hear running water outside the shower. So let’s see if this works. It works.

COMPAGNO: It’s like a ride at Disneyland.

GUTFELD: It is like a ride in Disneyland. A very bad, sad little ride, Emily. What are your thoughts you can choose the shower or the hot dog?

COMPAGNO: Hot dogs. We have a colleague here at Fox who loves hot dogs and I helped get like 50 hot dogs sent to her and now I feel like an assassin because she took them all home and I feel like I’m going to die young too because I used to eat them raw as a girl apparently and I still order brought worse all the time. I love hot dogs.

GUTFELD: I eat so — I eat more pork than Kermit, the frog.

TYRUS: Damn. Somewhere Jim Hanson just rollover. That’s rollover Jim Hanson.

GUTFELD: What do you think? Pick the story, Tyrus.

TYRUS: TikTok doctor? Yes, that’s right up there with like narcissistic empath. Wow, that was deep, doc. The sound of water makes you pee.

MOORE: Yes, exactly.

TYRUS: You need to go to doctor school for 12 years for that analysis. I would literally, every little brother in the planet does that when you have to pee. Running water, running water, running water.

GUTFELD: Yes, exactly.

TYRUS: But no, thanks to TikTok doctors, I can’t even — like it makes me sick, Tik Doctors.

GUTFELD: They should be called Tik Doctors, Chadwick, Tik Doctors. What do you, what story?

MOORE: Oh hot dogs. Now, I need to look into what my other Friday night activities are.

GUTFELD: I thought hotdogs was one of the few benefits in my life compared to the other things I do Kat which are disgusting and depraved and picked up for you.

TIMPF: Oh, picked up for me. Hmm, OK, well, I will just say the TikTok doctors wrong, because there’s always running water in my bathroom. Because my cat’s fountain is there, and I don’t pee my pants.

GUTFELD: You know, I think that science.

TIMPF: Yes, I’m a doctor.

GUTFELD: You are a doctor. You went to Pee school. All right, we’re done with this segment, don’t go away. We’ll be right back.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: We are out of time. Thanks Emily Compagno, Chadwick Moore, Kat Timpf, Tyrus, our studio audience, you’re awesome. “FOX NEWS @ NIGHT” with evil Shannon Bream is next. I’m Greg Gutfeld and I love you, America.

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